The Memory of Your Perfume Will Linger...

Oh yes, the memory of your perfume will stay with me for a long, long time. Once you walked into the restaurant, I could no longer taste my food. In fact, I could barely breathe. Your perfume - you know, the one you think will make you irresistable - has me reaching for my cell phone to call 911 and gasping for oxygen.

Fragrances have been in use for thousands of years. They have been incorporated into many cultures, and aromatherapy is popular today as a way to relieve stress. Most often, perfumes and colognes are used to subtly attract the opposite sex. Subtle is the key word here. The main idea of perfume as an attractant is to leave a mysterious trace of inviting fragrance in the air.

Often, it seems like perfume is used as an assault weapon. Instead of leaving that lingering trace of scent, oblivious idiots are leaving trails of asphyxiated victims in their wake. I recently sat in a restaurant with a woman who explained how to layer perfume so it wouldn't wear off. First, wash in the body wash, then slather yourself with the matching body lotion. Follow this with an all over heavy mist of the actual perfume. I can tell you that there is no chance that this perfume would wear off over the course of an evening. It is probably responsible for destroying much of the ozone layer and would not wear off sooner than the half-life of plutonium.

If you have ever been trapped in a plane, an office, a car, or any other place with someone who believes in the "more is better" approach to scents, you probably know what I mean. Many perfumes today use a synthetic base guaranteed to trigger respiratory reactions in a large percentage of the population. Boys, girls, men, and women all seem to think that dousing themselves with extra fragrance will somehow enhance their popularity. It's unlikely that they ever consider that their over indulgence will intrude on someone else's ability to breathe.

Don't get me wrong. I like things that smell good. However, I resent things that are imposed on me and ruin my meal or cause respiratory distress. Too much perfume is not attractive, it is simply obnoxious. An extra dose of perfume will not make you more attractive. How embarrassing would it be to go out thinking you smell like heaven and having your date end up in the ER because you triggered an asthma attack?

People who wear lots of strong scents become accustomed to them and cannot smell them at all. That's not the case for innocent bystanders who are subjected to the univited and unwanted battering of their olfactory senses.

I am thinking of having cards made up that say "The memory of your perfume lingers" with a check box for

• I could no longer taste my food
• I could not breathe
• I'd like to send you my ambulance bill

Perfumes and fragrances are supposed to relieve stress and be inviting. If you feel the need to use an extra dose, stop and try to focus on the things that will really make you attractive - social skills, cleanliness, a witty reparte. Is there anything that smells better than freshly washed hair or clean clothes? Too much of a good thing is a real turn off, and might mean invading the space of people you are not even aware of.

When you put on that perfume that you think is so delightful, think quality not quantity. As mother used to say, a little bit goes a long way. More is not better.