O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!
To see oursels as ithers see us!
[Translation for anyone who doesn't happen to understand old gaelic: "I wish some Power the gift would give us to see ourselves as others see us!"]
When my mother was making this point, I usually didn't want to hear it. I would respond with a roll of my eyes and a dramatic sigh, knowing that my mother simply didn't get it. It's ironic that my son and nieces respond the same way now that I understand what my mother meant.
Think back to a time when you realized that someone had a very different view of you than the one you had. I can remember talking with a friend about needing a black skirt for some event. She had one, I did not. She was not going to be at the event, so I asked if I could borrow her skirt. I should mention here that I was always a skinny kid, and stayed that way for many, many years. I knew I had put on a few pounds, but was confused when she said "I didn't think we were the same size." My first reaction was to think that she wasn't THAT much bigger than me. My perception changed when I tried on her skirt. Sure enough, it was way too snug to wear comfortably.
That may have been the moment when I realized what my mother was trying to say. It's important not only that we have our own unique identity, but also that we realize how the rest of the world sees us. This has tremendous implications for our relationships and our future, whether professionally or personally.
There is a very simple tool used in counseling to help clients with this issue. Johari's window allows individuals to examine how they percieve themselves, how they want to be perceived by others, how they think others perceive them, and finally how others really perceive them. That last piece is the tricky one. How do others really perceive us?
I'd like, somehow, to use this tool to help a woman I work with. She is mid-40s, and has always made a dramatic fashion statement. I swear that several years ago she showed up in my office in an almost professional but too short skirt, and that when she sat across from me I was seeing sequined underwear. Her propensity for dressing "sexy" is well known. It must be said that she also had a reputation for competence. She was effective in her position. For reasons unknown, she fell out of favor with the higher ups, was demoted, and went into a tailspin. Anyone who would listen was subject to a long, involved tale of woe. I suggested that her best course of action might be silence. Take the high road. While we were on her side, her very public display of humiliation was emabarrassing to most of us, and was certainly not helping her plight. Worse, her actions only served to publicize her problems. Thirty some job applications later, she has not had a single interview.
After a while, things died down, as they tend to do. She was absent from a few monthly meetings, her department was respresented otherwise. A few weeks ago, she showed up at my door to introduce a new employee. It took me nearly a minute to recognize her.
Her hair was greasy, with long gray roots. Her jeans were slashed and torn. She was wearing only a midi tank top over her protruding, middle-aged, pierced belly.
This week, she showed up at a huge meeting looking just the same way. Everyone at the conference table made eye contact with someone else, then quickly dropped their eyes in embarrassment. Within 20 minutes of the meeting's end, phones were ringing. "Is it truly this bad?' Yup, it sure is.
What is going on here? First, she always preferred the mutton-dressed-as-lamb look. When she was viewed as competent, people pretended to overlook her idiosyncrasies in fashion, although they were still the subject of discussion. But her very public diatribe about being treated badly changed the way she was viewed. Instead of being seen as a competent person looking for new challenges, she portrayed herself as damaged goods. She blew that entirely. Now, when she needs to rely on her experience to change jobs, she sabotages herself with her appearance. Her outfit today, at a more formal event, would have made Mary Quant [the creator of the mini skirt] blush. She has caused other people to see her as incompetent, foolish, and inappropriate.
Perhaps there is an issue of depression or something similar that needs to be addressed. I wish someone knew how to address it.
If this woman had the slightest idea of "how others see us" she might have a chance to save herself. As it is, every appearance she makes only makes matters worse.
If we want to be viewed a certain way - competent, professional, helpful, etc. - then it is important that we understand the requirements. This poor woman [oh, yes, I do feel sorry for her] has no clue. The way we appear is very important.
When we understand how others see us, we get a much better picture of why the world treats us the way it does.
When my mother was making this point, I usually didn't want to hear it. I would respond with a roll of my eyes and a dramatic sigh, knowing that my mother simply didn't get it. It's ironic that my son and nieces respond the same way now that I understand what my mother meant.
Think back to a time when you realized that someone had a very different view of you than the one you had. I can remember talking with a friend about needing a black skirt for some event. She had one, I did not. She was not going to be at the event, so I asked if I could borrow her skirt. I should mention here that I was always a skinny kid, and stayed that way for many, many years. I knew I had put on a few pounds, but was confused when she said "I didn't think we were the same size." My first reaction was to think that she wasn't THAT much bigger than me. My perception changed when I tried on her skirt. Sure enough, it was way too snug to wear comfortably.
That may have been the moment when I realized what my mother was trying to say. It's important not only that we have our own unique identity, but also that we realize how the rest of the world sees us. This has tremendous implications for our relationships and our future, whether professionally or personally.
There is a very simple tool used in counseling to help clients with this issue. Johari's window allows individuals to examine how they percieve themselves, how they want to be perceived by others, how they think others perceive them, and finally how others really perceive them. That last piece is the tricky one. How do others really perceive us?
I'd like, somehow, to use this tool to help a woman I work with. She is mid-40s, and has always made a dramatic fashion statement. I swear that several years ago she showed up in my office in an almost professional but too short skirt, and that when she sat across from me I was seeing sequined underwear. Her propensity for dressing "sexy" is well known. It must be said that she also had a reputation for competence. She was effective in her position. For reasons unknown, she fell out of favor with the higher ups, was demoted, and went into a tailspin. Anyone who would listen was subject to a long, involved tale of woe. I suggested that her best course of action might be silence. Take the high road. While we were on her side, her very public display of humiliation was emabarrassing to most of us, and was certainly not helping her plight. Worse, her actions only served to publicize her problems. Thirty some job applications later, she has not had a single interview.
After a while, things died down, as they tend to do. She was absent from a few monthly meetings, her department was respresented otherwise. A few weeks ago, she showed up at my door to introduce a new employee. It took me nearly a minute to recognize her.
Her hair was greasy, with long gray roots. Her jeans were slashed and torn. She was wearing only a midi tank top over her protruding, middle-aged, pierced belly.
This week, she showed up at a huge meeting looking just the same way. Everyone at the conference table made eye contact with someone else, then quickly dropped their eyes in embarrassment. Within 20 minutes of the meeting's end, phones were ringing. "Is it truly this bad?' Yup, it sure is.
What is going on here? First, she always preferred the mutton-dressed-as-lamb look. When she was viewed as competent, people pretended to overlook her idiosyncrasies in fashion, although they were still the subject of discussion. But her very public diatribe about being treated badly changed the way she was viewed. Instead of being seen as a competent person looking for new challenges, she portrayed herself as damaged goods. She blew that entirely. Now, when she needs to rely on her experience to change jobs, she sabotages herself with her appearance. Her outfit today, at a more formal event, would have made Mary Quant [the creator of the mini skirt] blush. She has caused other people to see her as incompetent, foolish, and inappropriate.
Perhaps there is an issue of depression or something similar that needs to be addressed. I wish someone knew how to address it.
If this woman had the slightest idea of "how others see us" she might have a chance to save herself. As it is, every appearance she makes only makes matters worse.
If we want to be viewed a certain way - competent, professional, helpful, etc. - then it is important that we understand the requirements. This poor woman [oh, yes, I do feel sorry for her] has no clue. The way we appear is very important.
When we understand how others see us, we get a much better picture of why the world treats us the way it does.
1 comment:
Wow, what a post. I hope she has a friend, just one, who can talk to her. And you know it doesn't have to be a friend, it can just be someone who cares.
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