Tenants from Hell

Actually, most of our tenants are pretty good people. Like the rest of us, they have their idiosyncrasies, but generally speaking they are good, normal folks just like the rest of us. Recently, though, we have had the tenants from hell. I might post a few photos just to show you how awful things can be, but what made this worse was that this guy was my advisee when he was a freshman. I remembered (too late) his mother telling me, "he's not a bad kid, but he's always trying to make the system work for him." Then, when I checked around the college, I found that he had a reputation for "acting without authorization". He has a degree in the highest paying field on the planet, but cannot get a job. (At least the employers are on their toes.) We had to make them leave after only 6 weeks in the place. Here's the letter I really wanted to send him after he tried to make a case for his security deposit. (Trust me here, we are well known for returning entire security deposits unless there is a legit problem.)
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THE LETTER I WISH I COULD SEND

Dear Minions of Satan:

Further correspondence with you is made tolerable only by my deep faith that your ignorance and gall are not contagious, and that in time the memory of your toxic trip through our lives will serve as a warning for others. You are never satisfied. It’s insufficient for you to have been born stupid – you insist on seeking to increase your birthright in every utterance.

In response to your brilliant letter regarding the security deposit deductions, let us first state that you obviously don’t know a damn thing about the law, life, or much of anything else.

Couch disposal. The couch was still in the cottage on the evening of October XX, 2006. That it somehow migrated to the patio after this time is irrelevant. E--- stated at the time that your intention was to give it to Goodwill (also irrelevant). It really doesn’t matter if you had left the freakin’ thing on the roof. You abandoned it, we had to dispose of it, and you are, in fact, according to the law, responsible for it’s removal. Dumbass.

Carpet repair. Of course you are unaware of any damages to the carpet. Even if you thought you had damaged it,

1. you wouldn’t admit it, and
   
2. you couldn't possibly know because you couldn’t see any of the carpet while you two were in residence. While we can easily believe that you never used an iron during your tenancy, and we might have jumped to an erroneous conclusion in thinking that either of you would utilize such an appliance, the burn to the carpet did, in fact, occur after you moved in.

Carpet Cleaning. OK, sure. You cleaned the carpets. We should know that from the bits of lint all over the carpet during the inspection at 6:30 pm on Oct. XX, 2006. It’s also backed up by your note that says “carpets cleaned” that showed up sometime after October XX. It is further supported by your bluster and a significant lack of real documentation. Had you cleaned the carpets, your responsibility was to notify us ahead of time. We simply don't believe you.

GRU Bills. So which is it, Genius? Either you were out of the premises before October xx, and therefore abandoned the couch in the living room, or you were still in residence and are responsible for the GRU bills? Hah! It doesn’t matter what you say, because by your very own logic you are trapped. The cottage was inspected on the evening of October xx. You had left furniture there and not yet returned keys or left your note stating that the keys were with the other tenants. You obviously used power on October xx, and very likely on October xx+1, as well. The GRU bill for this period stands.

As for the remaining utilities, unbunch your panties, Idiot Boy. This amount has been held out simply as security – as agreed in the original agreement for you to vacate – until the actual bill comes in. At that time, we’ll refund any difference to you and provide a copy of the bill.

We truly hope that this finalizes any further correspondence with you beyond mailing the final GRU bill. Your tenancy, brief though it was, has truly demonstrated that some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.

Very best regards,

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These people were awful in the worst sense. While you were evicting them, they would invite you in to sit down. I would not have let one of my dogs sit in that place. I have never seen a frat house that messy. They are so ignorant of the world. She is pregnant, he is unemployed, they are unmarried. They moved to his parents' home after we asked them to leave. (His parents are a lawyer and a doctor, so no hardship there.) I will never rent again to someone I "know". This whole mess has cost us a fortune and really affected my faith in humanity.